Occupational Hazard
by LostOzian
Summary: In which LostOzian discovers the power of things that aren't supposed to be real. Canon pairings. Oneshot.


**Disclaimer: Wicked belongs to Gregory Maguire. Not much else needs to be said here.**

* * *

The Lost flexed her fingers, preparing to write another fanfic. 

_Elphaba sat alone in the forest-_

"Why do I have to be alone?" Elphaba said, annoyed. "I spent most of my life alone. Give me Fiyero."

"Fine," The Lost said, then after a few backspaces changed the opening sentence.

_Elphaba sat next to Fiyero in the forest, her head leaning against his shoulder-_

"Why do you always write Fiyeraba?" Glinda complained. "Why can't I ever have Fiyero?"

"You do have Fiyero, for almost the entire musical." The Lost tried to console the Good Witch, wanting to get back to writing her fanfic.

"But he never _loved_ me!" Glinda wailed. The Lost covered her ears at the Witch's screeching. "Then you hideified authors decide it's enough to give me _Bick_!"

"Oh, thanks!" Boq said sarcastically. "I feel really appreciated!"

"Can I help it if I'm in love?" Glinda retorted.

"Glinda, if you shut up, I'll put you in!" The Lost said. "And you won't have Boq!"

"Thank you!" Glinda said, relieved.

"Aw, come on! I live under the iron fist of Nessa, and you people don't even have the _decency_-"

"She _did_ love you," Elphaba piped up, putting in a good word for her sister.

"She had a funny way of showing it!" Boq snapped angrily.

"All I wanted was my dreams to come true!" Nessa cried. "Is that too much for a _cripple_ to ask?!"

"You kind of would do better with Nessa." Fiyero commented. "'Gloq' sounds like something lodged in the back of your throat."

"'Bessa' or 'Nick' sounds nice!" Glinda tried to shift Boq away from her. "Just like 'Gindero' or 'Fiyerinda' does!" She tried to hint excessively to the Lost.

"Technically, it would be called 'Noq'…" Boq said weakly, hoping that Glinda would continue to notice him.

"I'm just glad she isn't pairing _me_ with Boq anymore," Elphaba said ruefully. That was so disgusting when she did that in 'Guilty Pleasures', and then again in 'Tango: Elphie'. Fiyero had refused to talk to her for a week after _that_ was posted.

"Glinda, you're queen of Oz in every single post-musical! What more do you want?!" The Lost was starting to get exasperated with her little diva. Elphaba, however sarcastic, was _never_ this much trouble.

"What's a queen without a handsome king?" Glinda asked innocently.

"Intelligent?" Elphaba said. "Able to be relied upon?"

"You're no help." Glinda huffed. "Damn you, this…Winnie…Holz-person… for only writing in one hot guy! Hurry up and read Wicked the book, so you can put more hot guys in your fics. It's really annoying to have to fight with Elphie over Fiyero."

Boq said many nasty words.

"If you all don't shut up, I'm going to stop writing fanfic!" The Lost screamed. The characters settled down, fearful for their existance with the Lost. The Lost took a deep breath.

"Now, Glinda! If you want hot guys, I don't know…go find a RENT crossover! Mark's cute, he's officially single."

"Humph!" Glinda pouted. She wasn't sure if she could trust the Lost with telling her who's cute. 'Mark' was a weird name. Didn't blend well with 'Glinda'. Glindark. Mlinda. Not a good blendy name.

"Boq! Try to understand Nessa's going through a lot! Elphaba is considered a feared terrorist, her dad's dead, and she's really, really in love with you. So cut her some slack!"

"But she was mean, and she-"

"Slack, Boq! That's not slack!" The Lost cut him off sharply.

"But-"

"Slack!"

"Fine," Boq fell silent moodily. The Lost read the single line of text on her computer screen.

_Elphaba sat next to Fiyero in the forest, her head leaning against his shoulder_

"Nah, that's stupid. Not writing that." She deleted the 67 characters. "Any holidays coming up?"

"Well, Fourth of July..." Fiyero suggested, basing 'important' holidays off the ones publicized by television commercials. Elphaba laughed. The Lost considered it for a moment.

"No, not for Wicked." The Lost decided at last, tapping her mouse impatiently.

"Ooh! A date with Boq and me!" Nessa said with romantic flair.

"How about NO, you little wit-" Boq began.

"Slack!" Boq grumbled about not being appreciated. The Lost calmed herself before speaking again. "Nessa, that was a good idea."

"Why thank you," Nessa said loftily.

"Why not send Elphie and me shopping? That's always fun!" Glinda put on a singsong voice. "Sho-o-o-pi-i-i-ng!"

"You have no idea how many times Elphaba has been dragged shopping by you, bought a dark colored dress, and came out looking exactly like the Wicked Witch of the West! They're good, but overdone." The Lost rattled off. "Nessa's idea was original... or at least not done to death."

"Ooh! Start it with Boq picking me up!" Nessa said excitedly, prepared to have her dreams come true in fan fiction. "With a corsage!"

"Do I have to?" Boq moaned.

"Slack! You don't have to enjoy it-" The Lost paused as a basic plot formed together in her mind. "Wait, yes you do. That's the whole point of pairing."

"Oh no," Boq said sadly.

_Boq straightened his tie and picked at the baby's breath and mini roses in the corsage-_

"Not roses!" Glinda exclaimed. "Roses are mine!"

"Poppies are mine!" Elphaba declared, just to make sure the Lost didn't use her signature flower in Nessa's little date. Poppies ruled.

"I'm running out of small flowers!" The Lost hit her keyboard in frustration.

_,k ijk ykg k,_ Trailed after the line of text.

Grrrr!" The Lost deleted the nonsense letters. "You people! Start thinking! Small flowers, not poppies, not roses!"

Silence ensured as all Ozians involved brainstormed.

"Pansies?" Glinda said finally.

"Allergic," Elphaba and Nessa said together. "At least, Nessa is." Elphaba added. She kind of liked pansies.

"How can you be allergic to one kind of flower?" Boq said critically.

"I don't know, I just am! Some people are allergic to only one kind of Dog or dog." Nessa said.

"Um…carnations?" Fiyero said.

"Too big!" The Lost exclaimed, exasperated at the lack of ideas.

"Wait, don't do a corsage, make it a carnation bouquet. I like carnations." Nessa said. The Lost stared at her screen dumbfoundedly for a minute. "You with the fingers, type!" Nessa ordered, wondering what the delay was.

"You are impossible," the Lost grumbled as she changed the corsage to a bouquet and added in the carnations. "Where do you want to go? A party?"

"No…" Nessa said slowly. "How about-"

"I would very much like to go to a party!" Boq said loudly, cutting Nessa off.

"You're agreeing to disagree, aren't you?" Elphaba asked cynically. Boq could be so sore about some things.

"I never agreed to anything!" Boq said. "Pleeeeease can I go out with Glinda?" He asked the Lost whiningly.

"Heck no!" Glinda said, deeply offended. "Fiyero and I forever!"

"Hello? Taken?" Fiyero scorned. "I'm with Elphaba."

"Good old Yero," Elphaba said fondly. Fiyero chuckled slightly, giving the Lost a hint of a good Fiyeraba scene to write. Just, not now.

Immediately Nessa, Boq, and Glinda started shouting at once about how they deserved their chosen love interest.

"SHUT _UP_!" The Lost stood up angrily, sending her swivel chair spinning, and stormed out of the room. The characters spent a few moments in stunned hush.

"D'ya think we were too hard on her?" Boq said finally.

"A bit." Nessa said. "Kind of. Well, yeah."

"Maybe she's gone for good…" Glinda said sadly.

"Nah, she wouldn't leave this. She'll be back." Fiyero dismissed the thought casually.

"Eventually." Elphaba added.

Seconds passes awkwardly, and the Lost did not return.

"So..." Fiyero said finally. "What's new?"

"We're fictional characters being adapted to fan fiction." Boq said cynically. "Nothing's new except the stories."

"Oh yeah," Fiyero said. "Elphaba, you got anything?" She was about to respond when the Wizard 'arrived'.

"Hey everybody!" He said energetically. "What'd I miss?"

"The Lost is hitting herself over the head with a cheap modern broom while screaming 'Defying Gravity'." Elphaba currently had the strongest connection with the Lost, and was able to tell to some extent what she was doing. It was usually either her or Nessa, but occasionally Glinda had a turn. That hadn't come up recently, due to the fact she had a friend that would make a much better Glinda than she would.

"Oh," the Wizard said, considerably less energetically. "So I guess she's not writing today."

"No, now she's searching for chocolate and a cleaver." Elphaba added nonchalantly.

"Is that even healthy?" Fiyero asked worriedly.

"What, the chocolate or the cleaver?" Boq said.

"Well…both." Fiyero said.

"No, they're not healthy right now." Boq said.

"But chocolate is yummy!" Glinda said in her favorite food's defense.

"Yeah, but too much and you get fat," Nessa said idly, wondering what kind of chocolate Boq liked. She liked hazelnut best…

"I'm not fat!" Glinda cried out in alarm.

"What? Glinda, nobody said you were fat!" Fiyero said exasperatedly. She was so stupid sometimes.

"Oh. Okay!" Glinda said happily.

"Ditz," Fiyero mumbled. "And you wonder why I'm in love with Elphaba…"

"Don't start her again," Nessa warned quietly. Fiyero stopped.

**Hello all. I know this is would usually be LostOzian's little place, but we fear for her health right now. Seems like you won't be getting the thrilling tale of strife and unrequitted love she was planning to write, so everybody else is going to have to write good fanfic until the Lost can be committed to and released from a mental hospital. There's not really much to say. I'm sure she won't mind if you write about any of the ideas she thought up in this little episode. She probably won't come back to them. ****So… Yeah. How did she end these things? She had some kind of catchphrase for a little while...**

"Keep running and winking?" The Wizard said.

**No, that's not literary. It's something literary…**

"Keep assimilating and documenting?" Fiyero suggested.

**Too intelligent for her…**

"Eat chocolate?" Glinda said.

**Glinda, where in Oz did that come from?!**

"Ooh! I remember!" Nessa squealed excitedly. "Keep reading and writing!"

**There we go. Keep reading and writing, on behalf of LostOzian.**

**-Elphaba Thropp.**


End file.
